


Alien Boy

by NikauRifka



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Bullies, Drabbles, Gore, That panic when you're an alien who doesn't have ears and you have to put on earbuds, ZADE, ZADF, kind of songfic but also not really at all, pool-related injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2020-11-10 14:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20853491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikauRifka/pseuds/NikauRifka
Summary: Zim learns about bullies. No one is much help.A story composed of drabble-like chapters, starring Hank from Alabama, mutant tree worms, and cold comforts.





	1. Never Had to Knock on Wood

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: May or may not contain mutant tree worms. Does not contain Alabama.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zim learns about bullies. No one is much help.
> 
> Contains: Puddles, that 50 States song you learned in 3rd grade, and tense conversations between Zim and his computer
> 
> The Impression That I Get by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Cartoons danced across the TV screen as Gir happily sat back and watched. Sunlight parted through the window, illuminating the purple-themed living room in a soft light. The scene was peaceful, quiet. Gir squealed at his show.

The door slammed open and in stepped a drenched Zim, green skin sizzling beneath the water and emitting wisps of steam into the air, where it dispersed in the refracted sunlight.

"Who went swimming? I wanna go!" Gir shouted in greeting.

"A _PUDDLE_," the angry irken hissed, "he threw me in a _PUDDLE_, Gir."

"Aww, does someone need a hug?" The robot asked, jumping up and holding out his disguise-clad arms.

"Don't touch me," Zim snapped. He paced as the liquid continued to eat at his skin like acid. "It wasn't even the Dib-Human, Gir! It was some _transfer student_ from _Alabama_. Whatever on Irk an Alabama is..." He shook his head and threw off his wig. It landed on the tile with a wet _schlosh_ as water leaked from it and pooled on the floor.

"It's a state!" Gir exclaimed.

"Gir, what did I tell you about nonsense words?" He threw his contacts to the floor in rage. "I wouldn't have even CARED so much if it had been the Dib-Human, that would have been normal. Expected. But _this? _This is UNACCEPTABLE!"

Gir's head drooped to the side in response.

"So this kid, I don't know I think his name was Hank or something," Zim waved off the thought and continued, "He just thinks he's _so cool_ with his beefboy boots and shiny skin jacket, so he comes up to me in front of EVERYONE and says-"

"Alaaaabama! Alaska, Arizona!" Gir sang, interrupting.

"No, Gir, that's not what he said," Zim scolded with his hands on his hips, "He said, 'Do you have some sort of disease, or is that just your face?'!!! And I told him, very normal and human-like, 'no, you useless human imbecile, I am a completely NORMAL flesh child with a skin condition!' And do you know what he said, Gir?"

Gir shook his head frantically, enraptured in his master's story.

"He called me a freak! A _FREAK_, Gir! ME!!"

"No!" Gir gasped, covering his mouth with his disguise's paws.

"So naturally, I _aggressively_ informed him that I, the incredible ZIM am definitely NOT a freak," he paused to bask in his own glory for about three seconds, before his disposition turned bitter, "and then, THEN! He laughed!! At ME!!! Going on about how _tiny_ and _unintimidating _I am. I mean, I'm the scariest thing on this filthy meat planet, aren't I? I'm the most intimidating thing in this whole galaxy, right Gir?"

Gir stared at him blankly. "You go, girl!" He suddenly cheered after a long moment of silence.

"Right, thank you, Gir. But he didn't think so, and to, I don't know, prove a point or something, he just picked me up by my collar!" He subconsciously smoothed said wrinkled piece of fabric as he spoke, "So I kicked the flirker, right in the squeedlyspooch, or whatever it is humans have there that makes them go all wheezy usually, but he didn't wheeze like the Dib does, instead he just THREW ME INTO A PUDDLE! ME! _ZIM_!!! Like I was nothing but a piece of _garbage_!"

"YAY!" Gir applauded.

"No, Gir, that's bad."

"Wanna go swimming with Hank!"

"No!" He balled his fists and shook with anger, "This DISGUSTING beast of ALABAMA _hurt_ me and I want you to go out and avenge your master." He aggressively pointed at the door.

The robot simply stared at his master, before screeching, "I'm watchin' the monkey show!"

Zim shrieked in fury as he stormed towards the elevator.

"Do I getta splode now?" Gir asked excitedly.

"**I think you have anger management issues,**" the computer chimed in with a whirr as Zim climbed into the garbage.

"Shut up," the invader snapped as he lowered into the basement, "You're a machine, what do you know about emotions? It's not like you have any!"

"**Oh, well here I thought irken invaders didn't have any emotions either,**" it countered.

"They don't. We need no emotions, they weaken us!!"

"**That seemed like emotion to me.**"

"I'm going to reprogram you," Zim threatened.

"**Please, do.**"

"Great, so my S.I.R. unit wants to explode and my computer wants to be reprogrammed. If I didn't know any better, I'd say this mission is cursed." He threw his hands into the air in defeat.

"**It's definitely cursed,**" the computer agreed.

"Of course it's not cursed," Zim scowled, angry that his computer agreed with him, "I am the single most greatest invader in the empire! I can take on any mission, no matter the odds!"

"**You got beat up by a smeet,**" the computer practically snickered.

"And that smeet will PAY!" He clenched his fist and held it up for emphasis.

"**You keep getting beat up by smeets.**"

"You LIE!!"

"**The human who keeps foiling your plans is just 12 Earth years old.**"

"Nonsense. The Dib is obviously much older than that," Zim explained, very sure of himself.

"**He's really not,**" the computer insisted.

"Oh, what do you even know?" He collapsed on the nearest chair and started tinkering with vialed chemicals scattered about.

"**What are you doing?**" the computer asked uncharismatically.

"I am making an acid that specifically targets human flesh. Then I'm going to make a puddle of it and throw Hank in it," Zim deadpanned.

"**You probably already know this,**" the computer continued despite its master's responding glare, "**But you're still drenched in water.**"

* * *

**Earlier that day**

Zim screeched and writhed in the muddy water as the boy known as _Hank_ laughed and sauntered away. The bell rang, and students fountained back into the school. Zim pushed himself up, clawing at the pavement, only to slip and splash back into the puddle.

"Um," he heard from above him. He looked up to see his proclaimed nemesis awkwardly scratch the back of his enormous head with one hand as he stretched his other out towards Zim, palm open and fingers splayed.

Zim hissed, attempting once again to get up on his own, just to slip again. He grimaced as he begrudgingly grasped Dib's hand with his own. The human helped him to his feet, and Zim retracted his own hand the moment he was standing again. He crossed his arms, shoulders hunched as he shivered like he was cold, despite his burning flesh that crackled with fissures of bright pink.

"What's your game?" Zim growled wryly.

"I just," Dib shrugged, stepping backwards, "I know how bullies can be is all."

They stared at each other in silence.

"I still hate you, though," Dib added belatedly.

"I'm going home," Zim decided.

"Alright. See you tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah, probably. Death to the humans, though."


	2. Like a Tyrannosaurus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Classic enemies, doing what classic enemies do.
> 
> Contains: Imagined gore, slight violence, possible threats of cannibalism (?), and scary bug boys
> 
> Alien Boy by Oliver Tree

"Just give up, Zim!" Dib shouted, triumph dripping from his voice as he shoved the heal of his shoe into aforementioned alien's chest, "I won't let you take over Earth. I'll never let you win!"

"You really don't know anything, do you?" Zim laughed up at his sworn enemy, despite his compromised position on the cold sidewalk. Dib could see the red beneath the white of his contacts in their close proximity, reminding him just the evil he was dealing with. He stood up straighter, as if he could get further away from the demon without releasing him.

"You pathetic little smeet," Zim hissed, shrouded eyes all but glowing, "You really think you can stop me?"

"I stopped you this time now, didn't I?" Dib said with confidence. He made a quick glance around of the night street, but when he looked back down, Zim's smirk made him uneasy. It was all teeth, all serrated daggers. Dib imagined them stained red, dripping with blood. Human blood. Zim could hardly touch meat without it searing and fussing to his skin, but that knowledge wasn't enough to wipe the image from his mind. He imagined Zim a fierce predator, hungry and hunting down its next prey: Human.

Suddenly, Zim laughed. Dib clenched his teeth and shoved his foot down harder, until he heard something pop and the alien's cackles abruptly stopped, replaced by a harsh wheeze. Dib felt no remorse for the extraterrestrial monster, even as his well-contained whimpers of pain leaked out of their tightly sealed containment field to meet Dib's hungry ears. Dib had never heard him make a noise like that, and it felt a little like victory. He shoved his boot down harder.

"Maybe you win this time, Dib," Zim gasped, the words spewing out of his mouth like steam. Dib could feel the anger radiating around him, but underneath there was a blatant fear. He continued, "But what about the next time? What about the time after that? What about the time you _don't_ stop me?"

"There will never be a time like that," Dib promised, "I will find a way to expose you for the monster that you are long before that will ever happen."

"Possibly," Zim clicked, in a tone Dib couldn't quite focus in on. It caught him off guard; Zim was usually an open book, splayed and ready to read. "But I don't think you'd really like that outcome," he finished, making Dib blink.

Suddenly, the irken grasped the human's ankle, digging his claws into his meaty flesh and flipping him over while using his PAK legs to lift himself off the ground. Dib's head hit the concrete with a _crack_. Zim thought if he were human he would have winced. It was a good thing he wasn't human.

He scuttled backwards on mechanic legs, breathing deeply as he clutched his abdomen. "You're a real nuisance," the alien scowled, dusting himself off, "But rest assured, I will still conquer this filthy planet, and when I do finally seize the control I so rightly deserve, I will hunt you down. I will hunt you down so dreadfully, painfully so, like one of your ancient tooth reptiles, hungry for its prey, and I will not rest until you have suffered the worst, most horrible death of any of you horrible walking meat-sacks."

Zim's tone was serious, more so than it had ever been. Something had clicked for him, something Dib didn't want to mess with, but at the same time wanted to pick apart like he wanted to pick apart everything about the alien.

"You'll be strapped to an operating table long before that ever happens!" Dib shouted at the retreating enemy as he stumbled back to his feet, but a shiver ran down his spine regardless.

"No one will ever believe you, Dib," Zim said with an almost sad look, "Look around, everyone thinks your insane. I'm the only one who will ever see you for the true genius you are."

"You," Dib stammered, taken aback, "You think I'm a genius?"

"I called you a _threat_. It's quite a compliment to be called a threat to an irken invader." He smirked, sharp teeth showing through again. Instinctively, Dib thought he was messing with him, but then he remembered the fear, the real, searing, white-hot fear he had sparked out of the alien, and thought, maybe...

"See you tomorrow," Zim hissed as he scurried away, metal claws clacking on the asphalt, echoing down the empty street.


	3. Say I'm the Only Bee in Your Bonnet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zim gets jealous. Of _Hank_ of all people.
> 
> Contains: Schoolyard violence, cool cowboys, and a 100-something-year-old alien trying to claw out a 12-year-old's eyes
> 
> Birdhouse in Your Soul by They Might Be Giants

As Ms. Bitters explained in great detail to the class about how the universe is stuck in a downward spiral towards inevitable doom, Zim stared blankly at his hands folded on his desk, consciousness halfway between sleeping and screaming.

"Blah blah blah doom, blah blah death, blah blah-" The teacher drone went on and on and on...

In his bored, dazed stupor, Zim felt a sudden itch. He scratched mindlessly at his wig, at the spot his antenna was nestled beneath, but to no avail. Without prior thought, he lifted his wig to paw at the appendage, repositioning the disguise once the itch was well satiated.

"Did ANYONE see that?" Dib cried, gesturing madly at the alien sitting across the room as he jumped to stand on his chair. "He just TOOK OFF HIS DISGUISE! Right in front of everyone! How was I the only one to see that?"

Zim bit his tongue and tried his best to look innocent as sweat beaded down his neck.

"Stop being so crazy," a student complained, and Zim sighed with relief. Others laughed. Dib grumbled.

"Why does no one else see he's so clearly an alien?"

"FOOL!" Zim spat, "I am a perfectly normal filthy meat-child."

"Why don't you take off that wig again and show everyone your antennae, Zim?" Dib taunted, "That's what a _normal_ human would do."

"No they wouldn't?" Zim said with sincere confusion.

This exchange was a normal occurrence, and class eventually continued on as if it had never happened. But a certain new kid, stationed in the back with his boots propped up on his desk looked on with amused curiosity.  
  
Students pooled outside when that Irk-forsaken bell screamed its announcement of reprieve, and Zim trudged outside right along with them, trailing behind the group as they rushed past him to play. The alien took his usual place upon the old rusted bench and used the time to observe 'normal child activities.'

In reality, he played Battle Cruiser on a device strapped to his wrist.

But then he heard that familiar taunting laughter in the background, only now it was a newer voice, instead of the same old same old. He looked up.

"You _actually_ think Zim is an alien, don't you?" The new kid laughed again, hovering over where Dib sulked beneath a tree.

Dib huffed and tried to ignore him, but he wouldn't have it.

"And I bet you think Ms. Bitters is some kind of evil spirit, don't ya?" He added, smirking to himself like it was the funniest thing ever.

Zim chuckled to himself as he watched from the distance. Too far away for anyone else to see, Zim saw Dib's eye twitch.

Finally, after a number of other jibes, Dib stood up and faced the bully.

"Okay, for one, _no_. I don't think Zim is an alien," he began, fed up, "I KNOW he's one! And maybe I believe in some other far fetched things, but what does it matter to you?"

The bully's eyes went wide, not expecting the sudden outburst - as did the observing alien's for the same reason - but he quickly recovered with a laugh. "It _doesn't_ matter to me," he snarked, "I simply find it amusing. And pretty sad. Your daddy must be pretty embarrassed to call you his son, huh?"

He laughed and laughed and just kept laughing and- Irk, Zim just wanted to rip his vocal cords right out of his stupid throat. His frequency of chuckles rattled Zim's tucked antennae and he clenched his serrated teeth.

With a growl, Dib threw back a fist and launched it forward, landing on the bully's face with an audible _crack_.

Zim winced, his sensitive feelers picking up the sound, and he hopped off the bench with a sudden feeling broiling up inside of him. He wasn't sure what it was, but it felt something like acid burning his throat.

The bully recovered quickly, laughing, "Is that the best you got?" But he still hissed in pain when he moved. Zim knew from experience that the big-headed human's punches were anything but weak.

He stayed by the bench watching on, unsure of how to react. That is, until the bully returned the attack, knocking Dib off his feet and sending him flying backwards until he collided with the trunk of the tree.

Suddenly, every muscle in Zim's body tensed, and he marched toward the situation.

"Nobody," he growled, as the new kid kicked his archenemy in the ribs.

"_NOBODY_," he screamed as he traversed the playground, "Beats up that _FILTHY_,"

Dib pushed himself up to a sitting position.

"Big headed _RAT_,"

Another kick, he was back on the grass.

"_Except for ME!_"

Zim stood right behind the bully. "Hank," he greeted, voice low, teeth bared, eyes narrowed to slits.

The boy turned towards the sound of his name, and snickered when he saw the green-skinned kid. They both remembered the puddle.

"Oh, look," Hank taunted in a mock baby voice, "Your fwiend's here to save you."

"He's not my friend!" Dib barked, wincing in pain as he spoke.

"I am _not_ his friend," Zim snarled, grabbing the taller boy by his collar and pulling him down until they were nose to face-where-nose-would-be. Hank couldn't stifle his gulp.

As expected, he covered his fear with a laugh, shoving the little irken away from him.

"Two nerds in one day!" he exclaimed with glee, "Bring it on, pipsqueak."

Zim came flailing at him with everything he had - well, not really. He could kill this child in an instant if he really wanted. Instead, he threw punches and kicks, clawing at his face like a wild raccoon. Hank got in some good shots, too, one landing hard enough to pop one of Zim's contacts right out of his eye and onto the wet grass. They were both too preoccupied to notice.

It ended with the boy grabbing a fistful of Zim's faux hair, Zim thinking _oh well_ and ducking, and the black wig flying off his head right as a burly fist flew between it and the ends of Zim's antennae.  
  
Hank reeled as his attack landed on thin air, looking at the toupee clutched in his fist like it were some magical animal. Then he looked down at the glaring alien impatiently tapping his foot, solid red eye contrasting beside the human-like purple one, antennae twitching behind him irritably.

The boy was frozen with fear, so Zim indulged himself, leaning forward and lifting his claws up on either side of his face like a Halloween caricature and whispering to his stunned opponent,

"_Boo_."

Hank threw the wig into the air, screaming madly the word, "ALIEN!!" as he ran back toward the school.

Zim doubled over with laughter, tears forming in his eyes. When he finally composed himself, he placed the wig back on his head, still chuckling silently. He debated putting the contact back in, but there it sat on the icky, wet grass, and... Just ugh.

He turned to the disgusting Earth creature crumpled on the ground. He held out his hand, like Dib had done for him after the Puddle Incident (The Puddle _War!!_), and smiled despite himself when the human accepted it without question and clambered to his feet.

"Wow, uh, Zim, I-" Dib stuttered, scratching the back of his big head as he cracked his bones back into place. He staggered to the alien's other side.

Zim's gloved hand shot out suddenly and grabbed him by the back of his shirt as he passed by, dragging him back across the grass and depositing him haphazardly at the base of the tree. Then he turned around and marched off. Dib hit the ground with an _oof_, lifting his hand up and croaking out the words, "Thank you," in a weak voice. Zim turned back around to kick him once, square in the ribs.

This was right. This was how it should be. Not that _Hank_ beating up _his_ enemy. No, this one was Zim's and only Zim's.

"Of course," Zim said, accepting the human's gratitude as he walked off.


	4. Give Me a Noose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank tries to prove it.
> 
> Contains: Headphone issues, conspiracies, and shirt beans
> 
> Radio by Sylvan Esso

Dib was at his limit. In the computer lab, which contained the oldest, most out of date desktop computers, each the size of a toaster oven, each with their own distinct layer of filth, they were instructed to watch 'educational' videos. Zim had slipped a set of clear latex gloves over his black ones before he even got near the crackling boxes of static and germs, but he smirked at Dib's observing glare as he operated the computer with ease, two limp fingers hanging off of each glove.

Then the teacher passed out headphones, and Zim dangled the apparatus off of his thumb, watching incredulously as the other students inserted them into their ears.

Dib replaced Zim's fallen smirk with his own.

"What's the matter, Spaceboy? Don't know how to use headphones?" Dib jibed, "Here, I'll show you, you just put them in your ears like this and- Oh wait."

As usual, he was ignored by the rest of the class, but Zim sweat at his words regardless. Then a brilliant idea popped into his head. He looked quickly around the computer lab, searching for any prying eyes, before shoving either end of the headphones under his wig.

Dib put his hand to his face and gestured towards the alien with his other. "Does no one else see this?" He asked helplessly.

From the row behind, the new kid watched with wide eyes, but remained silent.

They returned to class after an hour of endless, poorly-made educational videos about... Zim wasn't quite sure. They left him with an odd feeling, like everything was staged and everyone was just pretending...

As he passed through the door to the classroom, he felt a hand brush across the top of his wig. Instinctively, he ducked and flinched away. He looked up to see Hank, and sent him an innocent grin before promptly taking his seat. Hank pretended he hadn't seen him.

Class passed by as it usually did, although the entire time Zim couldn't help but shake the feeling that he was being watched. He glanced over at Dib, who, as usual, sent the alien continuous glances every now and then, but this was something different.

The clock ticked slowly to 12. Just ten seconds before the bell could ring, Zim couldn't take it anymore. He sat up and twisted his head to look behind him.

Sure enough, there was the new kid, his boots propped up on his desk in the very back row as he watch the irken through narrowed eyes. Zim couldn't help but let a shiver run down his spine. Had he not scared him enough? Was this one as obsessive as Dib?

He broke into a cold sweat. Was this one _smarter_ than Dib???

The bell rang and Zim gulped. He leaned away as the boy brushed past his desk, not catching his gaze. Zim looked squarely over at Dib, who was paying his archenemy no mind as he moved towards the door. Zim clambered to his feet.

Hank wasn't like Dib, Zim thought. He didn't have that drive towards the paranormal like his nemesis did, but... Nobody thought Hank was crazy. If he tried to tell someone, kids might believe him. And if kids started to believe him, adults might believe him, which started a downward spiral that ended with Zim floating helplessly in a test tube, or strapped to a table with his squeedlyspooch split open, his insides being prodded at and given terrible names like _intestine_ or _spleen_.

Instead of landing at an empty table like usual, Zim plopped his tray down right beside Dib and nestled his body right in between him and his sister.

"Zim, what are you-?!" Dib began, trying to figure out if this was part of the alien's next evil plan.

"Hey, Dib, my perfectly normal human best friend!" Zim announced, loud enough for the entire cafeteria to hear. He draped his arm around the boy's shoulder and smiled widely.

Gaz groaned, not wanting to even bother with the alien as she picked up her tray and walked to a different table.

Dib pushed his arm away, grimacing. "What's this about, Zim?" He whispered.

"Listen," Zim hissed, grabbing his sleeve at the shoulder and yanking him closer so he could whisper directly in the human's ear. But he hesitated. What would he tell him? That someone actually believed him for once? That wouldn't go well.

As he tried to think of where to go with this, he caught the Alabamian at the opposite end of the cafeteria, scanning the room. Zim panicked.

"Listen," he started again on a harsh whisper, "Hank is trying to expose me and you've gotta help!"

Dib looked at him oddly as he scooted away from the alien. "Why should I help _you_? Why shouldn't I help Hank instead? After all, _I_ want to expose you, too" He challenged, crossing his arms.

"Because," Zim squeaked, racking his brain as he watched Hank land eyes on him. "Because if he exposes me, then you get none of the credit!"

Dib sighed, scratching his head. Really, he couldn't argue with that. "Fine," he spat as the new kid rounded the corner, "But you owe me."

Hank all but stormed up behind them, reaching his hand out to grab ahold of the fake black hair and expose to everyone what Zim was. His hand grasped a hairsbreadth away when Dib stood up suddenly, tray in hand as his turned, upturning the vile cafeteria food all over Hank's shirt.

"Why don't you watch where you're going, you _freak_!" Hank shouted, trying to wipe beans off of his clothing. Zim cackled, and Dib couldn't help but laugh as well. Others watched, pointing and laughing at the new kid.

Hank grabbed a fistful of Dib's shirt, his face going red. "I am going to pulverize you, you insane piece of-" he began.

"Um, no you're not," Zim clicked, standing up and traipsing over to stand beside his nemesis. "You see, as I said before, this is my _perfectly normal human best friend_." He patted Dib on the shoulder, volume raised on the last words.

"So?" Hank sputtered.

Zim's eyebrow quirked and a smile lit up his face. "You don't even _know_ what I can do, human," he whispered.

Zim watched as the wheels turned slowly in the human's mind. He reluctantly let go of Dib with a shove, pointedly turning to the little irken who was happily rocking on his heels.

"This isn't over," Hank growled.

"Fine with me," Zim shrugged, "Why don't you stop by my house after school today and we can have a _chat_ about it?" He offered.

"Your disguise is terrible, people will find out," Hank warned.

"Careful. You don't want to sound crazy like poor Dib over here," Zim said, eyebrow raised.

Hank huffed and stormed away. This time, people watched.


	5. Extraordinary Specimen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zim outweighs the bad with the good. Dib gets a closer look. A boy and an alien start to resemble something like friendship. Or something like that.
> 
> Contains: Imagined vivisections, deals made, and discussions of alien reproduction
> 
> All That by Oliver Tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one kinda strayed from the song theme whoops

  
"Interesting offer, human," the tiny irken scratched his chin, either considering it or pretending to consider it. He eyed Dib suspiciously and asked, "You'll do _all_ of my homework?"

Dib nodded frantically. "And I'll give you the answers to all the tests," he added. He watched the pacing alien closely, impatient and eager.

"And in exchange," Zim said slowly, "You want to know my secrets."

"No, no, I just mean I want to study you," Dib explained.

"Exactly!" Zim shouted with outrage, "I will give you no such information!" He pointed a finger at the human accusingly, his teeth bared.

Dib sighed and ran a hand over his face. "No, you idiot," he groaned, "I mean _biologically_."

"Why would you want to do that?" Zim growled suspiciously, slightly nervously.

Dib sighed, admitting defeat. "Because you're interesting?" he offered.

"Do not state the obvious, future slave, of course Zim is interesting," he sneered, finally standing still long enough to flash his tongue out at the human. "Say it again."

Dib eyed him unenthusiastically. Zim relaxed his posture and quirked an eyebrow, inspecting his enemy.

"Hm," he tapped a claws against his chin, debating, calculating, "I suppose your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the complexities of the irken body anyway, so sure. I'll accept this _exchange_."

Dib pumped a fist in triumph. "Yes!" He cheered, scrambling to his backpack and pulling out a notepad and pen.

"Wait!" Zim screeched with fear, causing Dib to jump, "Do you mean you're going to dissect me?"

Dib smiled, chuckling to himself. Zim's eyes narrowed and he watched the human nervously. How he wanted that dreadful danger to society strapped down and splayed on an operating table, his sweet-scented blood under a microscope, his organs neatly labeled and classified. And in a way that even frightened the human, he wanted him alive for it all, for him to feel every slice, every cut, to know that this was his life now, and that was all it was ever going to be.

But that was for the future, and Dib could wait for that. He use to be impatient in his pre-teen years, but now he could wait. Here he was now at the age of 15, sitting on his bed and smiling menacingly as his nemesis stared at him with silent horror as he backed towards the door.

"Of course not," he finally responded. Clearly the alien didn't believe him, so he rolled his eyes and assured, "Zim, I'm not gonna dissect you, relax."

Zim stuck his tongue out with a hiss. "I am perfectly relaxed! Look at me being relaxed!" He was very much _not_ relaxed, as his eyes continually darted to every exit in Dib's room, including windows and vents.

"Come sit," he said with the cadence of a medical doctor as he gestured toward the swivel chair with the end of his pen.

Zim bared his teeth as he sank into the chair, keeping his eyes well trained on the teenager.

Dib stared at him expectantly. Zim stared back, hostility blatant in his hidden eyes. "You'll need to take off the disguise," Dib said after a beat.

"Why?" Zim shouted, "So you can trick me into revealing myself?" His claws dug into the armrest, leaving curls of plastic in their wake.

"We're alone, Zim," the boy sighed, clicking his pen.

Zim bit his lip, but eventually discarded his wig and contacts, tossing them onto the human's cluttered desk.

Dib nearly squealed with glee as he threw open his notebook to a random page and started furiously sketching. He so rarely got a chance to see him so close and so undisguised.

"What are you doing?" Zim hopped up to peek over the human's shoulder, quirking an eyebrow at the paper.

"I'm drawing," Dib said sharply. After a minute of sketching he looked over at the alien and shoved him away. "Sit back down," he said sharply. Zim grumbled but obliged, and Dib continued his sketches.

Eventually he rested his pen, seemingly content with his notes. He glanced back up at the invader, who was looking more than a little uncomfortable in his chair.

Dib hardly cared as he hooked his foot around the leg of the seat and pulled it till it bumped up against the edge of the bed. Zim let out a startled yelp and shifted nervously, not sure how to respond to the sudden closeness.

Dib leaned forward, resting his hands on his thighs as he sat legs criss-crossed on his bed and stared into his sworn enemy's solid scarlet eyes.

Zim blinked at him, leaning away.

"Just like an insect," Dib said in awe. He jotted it down in his notes, drawing a quick doodle of a fly with an arrow pointed at its eye.

"Do not compare me to that vile creature, you horrible earth maggot!" Zim shouted, snatching the notebook out of Dib's grasp.

"Ow!" Dib hissed, cradling his finger, "You gave me a paper cut!"

"These drawings are awful!" Zim critiqued, flipping through the pages, "They hardly depict my greatness. Do it again, this time better."

He tossed the notebook back at the human, who clumsily caught it in his lap.

"The drawings aren't _for_ you," Dib grumbled, "They're for science. Besides, you're not that great."

"For one, ZIM IS AMAZING! And two, you're going to try and expose me with those _doodles_?" Zim scoffed, voice dripping with doubt.

"No, I've already tried that. Everyone just thinks they're exactly that: doodles," Dib sighed.

"Gah this is boring!" Zim threw his hands toward the ceiling and slumped in his seat. He yanked his antennae down over his face and groaned.

Dib watched with curious eyes, before jotting down notes that Zim paid no mind to.

"What about your antennae?" Dib asked when he was done digging the pen furiously into the paper.

"Eh?" Zim sat up, just a little, "What about them?"

Without thinking, Dib extended his arm, gently touching one with the end of his pen. He was surprised when the irken didn't flinch back or swat his hand away. Out of curiosity, he drew back the pen and replaced it with his index finger. It felt soft and frail, like if he were to apply anymore pressure it would end up snapping right off the irken's head, and yet he had just watched Zim tugging at them. He drew his hand back quickly. Zim only looked at him oddly.

"Are those," Dib trailed. He cleared his throat. "Are they sensitive?"

Zim pursed his lips and thought about that very seriously. He responded, just as seriously, "Yes."

"Really?" Dib challenged with a snort, "You didn't even move when I touched one."

"I can hear three times the distance that humans can," Zim said simply, that bored look still plastered to his face, "I can smell even further than that. Actually, that's more of a curse on this filth planet. Everything smells awful here. In terms of touch, they're more sensitive than my skin, but not much. They're about as sensitive as my hands."

"Your hands are sensitive?"

"Flirk!" Zim spat, cursing himself for revealing anything, "No!"

"Is that why you always wear gloves?" Dib began, reaching out to grab at his wrist before he could pull it away, "Is that true about all irkens, or is it just you? Why are they so sensitive? Does it-"

"Antennae, remember?" Zim hissed, yanking his arm back.

"Right, right, one thing at a time. So what were you saying? They're sensitive but not really?"

"It feels good when you touch them," Zim shrugged, "Like a foot rub or something. Spa treatments and all that," he waved his hand dismissively.

"Oh man, I got a little scared there," Dib admitted, cheeks brushed red.

"Of what?" Zim scoffed.

"I thought you were going to say they were erogenous," he whispered the last word.

Zim sputtered. "What!?" He hissed, "Why would you _touch it _if you thought that!??"

"I don't know! I didn't think about it at first!"

"No, you foul-minded worm-baby, my antennae are not used in that sort of way," he growled, sticking his tongue out at the very idea of it, "I suppose they could be, but the mighty irken race doesn't stoop so low as to practice in those kinds of filthy, primitive reproduction rituals."

"You don't reproduce sexually?" Dib asked, gripping his pen tightly where it hovered over his notebook.

"Gah!" Zim groaned restlessly, avoiding the question, "How long is this going to take?"

"It's hardly even been five minutes!" Dib complained.

"_Fine_," Zim seethed, "We're made artificially, using DNA from only the best of the best. It's combined with other DNA to assure a healthy diversity to prevent diseases and mutations."

Dib grinned as he scribbled down every word that came out of the irken's mouth.

"Okay, so as a society you don't, but if you do it artificially now, that means that at one point you didn't," Dib said by way of question.

"So you're asking...?" Zim trailed, not following the human's unintelligible rambles.

"Did you reproduce sexually in the past? Like, how did you procreate before you had all the advanced technology?"

Zim raised an eyebrow. "You better be planning on giving me one hell of an antennae massage after this, worn-baby," he said.

"That's fair," Dib clicked his pen, "You're certain it's not in any way sexual?"

"Like I said, it's like a foot rub," Zim said, shrugging his shoulders, "I mean, are foot rubs sexual?"

"They can be," Dib shrugged.

"That is _DISGUSTING_!" Zim hissed, antennae pointing at the ceiling.

"Yeah, it is," Dib admitted.

"Never mind," Zim pouted, "Yeah, yeah, I suppose, maybe a schmillion years ago irkens weren't as DEVASTATINGLY ADVANCED AND POWERFUL as we are now, and had to indulge in such... _Behavior_."

Dib wrote it all down.

Zim's antennae shivered as he thought about it. It was disgusting, primitive, it was-

"Not to harp on the subject or anything," Dib began, eyeing the black stalks as they returned to their regular position, "But... Your antenna. It just seemed really fragile when I touched it."

Zim shrugged. "You could probably break it about as easily as I could break your wrist."

Dib raised an eyebrow at the statement. The alien could very easily break his wrist, as he had demonstrated more than once in the past. Regardless, he reached out his hand again and gently pet the fine hairs at the base of an antenna. Once again, Zim gave him no response beside that of a tired stare. Dib scratched his fingernail against it.

"Hey!" Zim snapped, antennae shooting backwards and out of reach. Dib dropped his arm before it could be attacked.

"Did that hurt?" He asked as if it wasn't obvious. The only response the alien provided was a red-eyed glare. "Sorry!" Dib raised his hands in surrender, poorly stifling his laughter. He was clearly not sorry.

A three-fingered hand shot out, snatching the human's wrist and yanking it towards Zim. He shoved the black sleeve up with his other hand and sunk his claws into the pink flesh, dragging it down to form two long parallel slits.

Dib screamed in agony as blood welled belatedly to the surface. He shot Zim a grimace as he pulled his arm back, to which the irken only smirked at.

"No more questions. I will take that massage now, future-slave."

* * *

A week after the exchanged, Zim stomped his entire meager self directly in Dib's path as he walked down the hallway after school. Zim shoved a sheet of paper marked with a big red 'F' in the human's face.

Dib looked at the paper curiously, shoving it aside to eye the alien presenting it.

"What is this?" Zim growled, waving the paper.

"I'm not sure," Dib shrugged.

"You failed me on purpose!" Zim screeched, crumbling the paper into a ball, "You broke the agreement!"

"Actually," Dib corrected with a laugh, "I said I would do your homework. I didn't say I would do it _well_."

The irken was practically seething as his disguised eyes glared a hole into Dib's head.

Dib just smirked and walked past him, pausing when the balled up worksheet pelted him in the back of his head.

He glanced back at the irken, who's eyes were still well trained on him. He had his fists balled at his sides and looked well ready to kill.

"I told you my _secrets_," Zim hissed, stomping towards the human, "I let you draw terrible pictures of me," he picked up the wadded paper and threw it again at Dib's skull. "I let you _touch _my _antennae_!"

Dib sighed. "Fine," he groaned, "I won't bullshit the rest of them."

"GOOD!" Zim screeched as if he were angry about it. He turned around and stomped off.


	6. Summer Vibes Killed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pool, Killer, Killer, Pool, Pool, Killer
> 
> Contains: Mentions of blood, pool related injuries, summer vibes and the death of them
> 
> In Cold Blood by Alt-J

* * *

"We need to work something out," Zim panted without preamble.

"Excuse me?" Dib quacked, more than a little confused.

"A temporary agreement," the alien pitched, "A summer 'truce,' if you will."

Dib couldn't believe what he was hearing. And seeing, honestly. The tiny irken was dressed in a thin pink t-shirt with the Vans logo spread across it in white letters and black capri shorts that came down just below his knees. His trademark gloves and boots remained, but he looked about ready to toss those off as well as the sun beat down relentlessly on his green skin.

"What's involved in this truce?" Dib asked, quirking an eyebrow as he leaned on the doorframe. He smiled at the irken's suffering as he stood at the border of air conditioned paradise.

"You will not try and expose me during the months that your terrible star thinks this planet is its heating oven," Zim stated, his wig molting in the sun, "You will help teach me how your pitiful species survives in this heat. And you will let me into your base with moderate temperature control whenever I say. Which is right now. Let me in."

Dib blocked his entrance, smirking. "What's in it for me?" He asked.

"I won't try and take over your stupid filth ball," Zim grumbled.

"Is that it?" Dib asked, tapping his foot, "I mean, you're asking for a lot here."

"What more could you want??" Zim groaned, baring his claws and looking up towards the sky in frustration.

Dib thought extra long. He knew what he wanted, but he was enjoying watching the alien wither in the sun.

"I want a look inside your base," Dib said after a moment.

"What?" Zim perked up from his slouched position, "No way!"

"Well, alright," Dib shrugged, going back inside and shutting the door.

"Wait!" Zim yelled, catching the door with all six claws. Dib cracked it back open and peered out at him.

"Fine," Zim spat, crossing his arms, "_One_ look."

"And I want to study your PAK functions."

"Ugh," Zim groaned, ready to agree with anything just to get out of this heat, "Yeah, sure, whatever, now let me in." He shoved his way into the house as Dib barely stepped aside to let him through.

"Seriously, how could sentient life even evolve in this oven," Zim complained, going on about how terrible Earth and everything about it was.

"You don't get a little heat on home world?" Dib mocked as he shut the door behind him.

"Not like this," Zim admitted, forgetting momentarily he was talking with the enemy, "Irk has periods of hotter and colder temperatures, but the atmosphere blocks off the worst of it. I spent most of my time there underground, anyways."

"Hm," Dib hummed dismissively. Clearly the heat was getting to the human as well. Zim didn't notice because, well, he was busy reveling in the fact that he could move in this cool air without getting lightheaded. He needed to learn the secrets to this 'air conditioning.'

"Dib!" Screamed Gaz as she came halfway downstairs.

Her brother covered his ears and winced in pain. Zim folded his arms over his wig in defense of the shrill sound.

"Jeez, Gaz, I'm right here you don't need to shout," Dib complained.

"We're going to the pool with dad," she said, "Get ready fast so we don't have to wait on you." She retreated back upstairs after the announcement.

"Pool?" Zim asked curiously, cocking his head to the side.

Dib gave a tired amused look. "You don't want to go to the pool, Zim. Trust me."

"Tell me about this _pool_," Zim trailed, "Is it your secret to how you endure such extreme climate?"

"I guess," Dib shrugged.

"Then I must visit this pool," Zim decided.

"Zim, you can't-" Dib began.

"Silence! This is part of our agreement, is it not? You will teach me how you human's survive like this. It is crucial information."

"Alright, just don't yell at me when we get there."

Zim absolutely yelled at him when they got there. The moment he discovered what exactly a _pool_ was, he screamed. Then Gaz started complaining about how annoying Dib's alien was and their dad commented, "You're friend there's awfully loud, isn't he, son?"

"Why would you-!" Zim stammered, enraged as he watched a kid do a cannonball off the side of the pool. "What kind of sick place is this?"

"I tried to tell you," Dib shrugged as he shoved the alien out of the car.

The family set up at an open table shaded by a big blue umbrella, placing a pile of bleached white towels on a chair and cold, condensation-soaked water bottles on the table. Zim watched with horror as his human nemesis began to peel off his shirt.

"What are you doing?" He yelped, eyes darting from one horrible thing to the next. There was water everywhere, puddled on the concrete ground, in a clear tub with a nozzle beside a pile of paper cups, drenched on a group of children running by as they plagued the air with their laughter. Zim shuttered.

"This is a swimming suit," Dib explained, gesturing towards his shorts, then at his sister, who had just finished shimmying out of her own clothes to reveal a violet bikini top with swim shorts.

"Swimming," Zim stated as the concept of this horrendous activity finally hit him, "You brought me here. To go swimming."

"You insisted," Dib reminded, balling up his shirt and tossing it at the alien. Zim dropped the sweaty fabric and flinched away from it. That same kid jumped into the pool again, flecks of the awful acid spraying up after him.

Zim hadn't bathed in paste because he was sure no liquid could survive in these awful temperatures. How wrong he seemed to be.

"You coming?" Dib teased as he and his sister walked over to the pool.

Zim wandered over to the edge, peaking cautiously into the water. Dib leapt in less than a foot away from him. Zim stumbled backwards as the splash flew up towards him, hissing when it hit his exposed skin.

Dib surfaced, bobbing in the water as he smirked at Zim. "You want to learn about summer activities? Well, most of them involve water."

He splashed the irken, who cowered at the liquid that hit his shins. Then screeched as it landed and pooled in his boots. He tore them off, shaking out the acidic substance. Dib barked with laughter.

Growling, Zim trudged back to the table, plopping down in a chair with an angry _humph_.

Professor Membrane laughed, startling the little alien. "Is the water too cold for you?" He asked. It was a weird sight, to see the man in nothing but neon blue swim trunks, decorated with beakers and other science emblems.

"Yeah," Zim sighed, arms crossed, "That's the issue."

* * *

Time passed slowly. The pool occupants disappeared one by one as the sky got brighter and then dimer, all the way until it was a pale shade of purple. The Membranes continued to play endlessly in that awful pit of acid, and Zim grew tired of sitting around. Sure, he could call Gir to pick him up and go back to the base, but it seemed to be hotter in his lab than it was outside since his base's temperature control broke last winter and he hadn't gotten around to fixing it. He sighed and walked to the edge of the pool.

It was nearly empty at this point, Dib and his family among the last to leave. The irken sat down cross-legged, watching the humans participate in this activity he could never understand. Gaz smiled, _actually smiled_, with delight as her father lifted her onto his shoulders. Dib laughed as he tried to splash her at her new height.

Zim looked down at the water immediately next to him. It smelt strange, different than other water did. It wasn't like what came out of the sinks or fell from the sky. It looked different, too, almost like it wasn't water at all but some other chemical.

Zim slipped off his gloves and set them neatly to the side. Then he cautiously reaching his arm over and poked the tips of his claw in. He pulled back with a hiss, his other hand planting suddenly on the ground next to him to stable himself. That hand landed in a puddle of water, and Zim jumped away, not expecting the sudden pain as it seared his green skin. Unfortunately, away was forward, and forward was tumbling head-first into the crystalline water.

Zim thrashed and screamed as he went under with no semblance of knowledge on how to tread water. Steam bubbled around his submerged body and wafted at the surface as green skin cracked and burned. The water around him tinted pink as he tried desperately to breathe.

"Zim!" Dib shouted, attention caught by the familiar sound of the irken's panic. He stroked through the water in his direction, but his sister zipped past him, diving underneath and surfacing with the tiny invader strewn over her shoulder, dripping watered-down pink blood down her back. She deposited him none-too-gently on dry ground, then pulled herself out of the pool as well, standing up and walking away like she hadn't just saved his life.

Dib reached the pool's edge and dragged himself out to kneel beside the semi-conscious irken. His wig was skewed to the side, a shivering antenna peaking out. Dib tucked it back in and repositioned the toupee before his dad could take notice.

A towel fell on his head, and he looked up to see Gaz dropping one on Zim as well, who then erupted into a coughing fit, spitting pink water onto the concrete flooring.

The irken pushed himself into a sitting position with a groan, clutching the dry towel like it was his life-force. Dib rolled his eyes and draped his own towel around Zim's green shoulders. Zim glanced over at him, then collapsed back down with a whine.

"By the book!" Membrane gasped as he looked over the quivering alien's charred flesh, "What happened to him?"

"He's allergic to the chlorine," Dib lied. Here he had the perfect chance to show everyone he wasn't crazy and- well, they had a truce. If this horrible little green man could keep a promise, then so could Dib. "It's a part of his... Skin condition."

Zim lifted his hand weakly, knocking his knuckles against Dib's knee in silent gratitude. Dib responded with a reassuring half-smile, tapping his fingers against the irken's palm.

"Your stupid alien ruined our day," Gaz complained.

"Now, Gaz," Membrane tisked, "You can't call someone an alien just because they have an illness. It's not Zim's fault. And besides, it's about time we got home anyways, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess," Gaz groaned.

Too weak to complain, and because his base was still the temperature of a toaster, Zim let Dib study his PAK that night, in exchange for dry clothing and the end of Dib's bed to recharge.

They were still enemies, as Zim reminded the human repeatedly, but who had the energy to be hostile in this heat anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I _know_ it's not summer. I _understand_ it's not summer. Ok?


	7. My Love I am the Speed of Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was it that tore apart Zim's base? Certainly not him. No, Gir, I said it CERTAINLY WASN'T HIM.
> 
> Contains: Rude awakenings, an undying need to DESTROY, and Dib, that horrible Dib.
> 
> This Tornado Loves You by Neko Case

"You are 2.1789 dookunits tall," The computer said with amazement. 

"Okay...?" Zim trailed as he worked.

"I did a scan of all available irken height records, and the smallest irken ever known was 2.3721 dookunits. That's almost 2 whole shmookunits taller than you."

"Did I authorize this scan??" Zim screeched at his computer system, jumping up from his seat, "Did I ASK YOU how tall I am?"

"It was really more of a personal project," the computer replied. If a computer could smirk, it would have.

Zim absolutely seethed.

He'd gotten angry at his computer before. It was lazy, especially for a computer. It was snarky, it liked to get to him. There had been more than one time in which he had gotten stuck in his own traps because the computer apparently 'thought it was an intruder' and then proceeded to conveniently malfunction before the screaming irken could be released.

This time, he wasn't angry at his computer, but the computer was there nonetheless, laughing at him in its silent way.

And it was like a hurricane had hit. Wires that were meant for the ceiling splayed and sparked across the ground, glass shards sprinkled every surface, a layer of smoke hung in the air as it had nowhere else to go. His underground base smelt entirely of burnt rubber. The computer was silent. Whether it was broken or just didn't want to anger its master anymore than it already had was unknown to Zim as he stood amongst the ruin, breathing heavily as he stared wide-eyed at his destroyed base.

Had he done that?

"What happened here?" He demanded.

"You made a mess!" Gir squealed with delight as he fell from the ceiling and began waving a stray wire around, sending electric blue sparks into the air.

Zim brushed glass from his uniform, ignoring the places where it had ripped through his sleeves and leggings to cut at his skin, and stepped over the rubble to the elevator.

"OH COME ON!" He snapped when the elevator refused to operate. Which was odd, because he hasn't messed with the elevator in his fit of rage. Or at least, he didn't think he had.

"Computer!" Zim called. An antenna quirked when he got no response. Not even a muffled whirr.

"Computer, I demand you respond!"

Still nothing. Zim's eye twitched impatiently.

He grumbled as mechanical legs extended from his PAK. He pried open the elevator hatch with them and, grabbing his S.I.R. by the leg, crawled up the tunnel.

Again and with the same method, he pried open the hatch that lead to the maintenance chamber and clambered in.

"Alright, let's see what the problem is here," Zim clicked as he began troubleshooting.

"Aha!" He yelled, "Something blew out the power grid." He felt satisfied having found the problem and set to work on the repairs.

After an hour passed, the irken threw down his tools in rage.

"This STUPID piece of WORTHLESS technology!! WHY. WON'T. YOU. WORK!!" He punctuated each word with a kick to said stupid piece of worthless technology.

"How could this even happen? Damage like this could only have come from an overload of power usage. What could have done that? Unless..."

"You did it!" Gir cheered happily, "And I broke all the windows!" He took up a wrench-like tool Zim had been working with and drove it into the nearest computer screen for emphasis.

"_Dib!!_" Zim hissed suddenly as he ignored his robot, certain that the boy was the culprit, "That _slimy_ little no good wad of truce-breaking-"

His voice faded as he shot all the way up the elevator on his spider legs.

* * *

"Dib!" Zim screeched, pounding on said teenager's front door, "I know what you did you disgusting excuse for a sentient being! Have you no dignity?? Come out and FACE ME!"

A feminine voice shouted Dib's name from within. "YOUR DUMB ALIEN IS HERE!!"

"CAN'T YOU ANSWER IT?" Came the reply.

"IT'S ZIM," Gaz explained with disgust.

A moment of silence passed before Zim heard a grumble and the door opened.

"What do you want-" Dib began with a tired sigh. His eyes were dilated and his hair was a mess, like he had been sleeping. His eyes widened as he looked at the irken. "You're bleeding," he pointed out. 

Zim just wiped the pink ooze from where a glass shard had cut him across his forehead with the back of his sleeve and hissed, "You broke our truce! I let you into _my_ base and this is the thanks I get? I should skin you right here! You're going to rue the day you crossed me!"

"What are you going on about?" Dib asked, rubbing one eye beneath his glasses.

"You!" Zim stuttered around his rage, "You sabotaged my base! Destroyed my power grid!"

"I didn't touch your power grid," Dib said with a confused lilt.

"You- Eh?" Zim asked, "What do you mean?"

"Maybe it just shorted out on its own?" Dib provided, "Maybe you used too much energy for something and overloaded it."

_Hmm,_ Zim thought, remembering a great amount of electricity as he tossed an entire metal table into a moniter. He shook his head. That couldn't be it.

"You will fix it, Earthworm," Zim decided.

"What? Why??" Dib complained.

"Because it is part of our agreement."

"That's not part of our agreement!"

"Now it is," Zim said.

* * *

"I don't know how to fix this, Zim," Dib shrugged as he eyed the alien technology.

"Of course you do," Zim said dismissively, "You fix everything."

Dib tossed him an odd glance. "What?" He asked.

"You fix problems all the time," Zim explained, "True you also _cause_ a lot of problems. For me specifically. But things that don't put your pathetic species' existence at stake? Those problems you always fix."

"But if I fix this," Dib said, "Then I'd be putting you back on track to destroy the planet."

"True," Zim agreed, "But it's still summer."

"Am I really just suppose to believe you haven't been secretly planning something all along?" Dib asked.

"FOOL!" Zim pointed at the human, "I made a promise! If there's one thing you can count on, it's an invader's promise."

"Am I just suppose to believe-" Dib began.

"Fix! It!" Zim demanded.


	8. Waterworld

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zim and Dib take a day trip.
> 
> Contains: Waterworld!, cute little otters, and the fear of paper wristbands
> 
> I made the mistake of writing this chapter before deciding on a song, thus there is no song for this one. If you have an idea, feel free to send it in.

"Waterworld?" Zim asked with a gulp.

It had been five years since he and Dib began this 'Summer Truce' during the alien's first experience of the Earth's heat and Zim was just as bitter about the time of the year as he had been in the start. He still took every chance he got to learn more about 'summer fun,' but this? He did not like the sounds of this.

"Don't worry, it's not quite as horrible as it sounds," Dib assured.

"You want to take _me_ to a place called _Waterworld???_" Zim screeched, "WATERworld!?"

Dib shrugged. "You want to learn what humans do over the summer? Well, this is one of those things."

Zim eyed him suspiciously, like he might crack under his gaze and reveal his true plan. "...Waterworld?" He asked again after a hesitation.

"It's not like a pool, we don't get _in_ the water," Dib explained. He had two tickets to the park that he had won via one of those radio contests. It had been a rollercoaster explaining that to Zim. "I can always take Gaz if you don't want to go," he added.

"What do you do at this... Waterworld?" Zim said the word with a shiver. Dib snorted.

"You learn about marine animals. Sea lions and dolphins and stuff," Dib said, watching the little irken's eyes light up despite himself.

"Sea lions?" He said with a scoff, "You can't fool me, worm, I happen to know that your Earth cats _hate_ water, much like myself."

Dib couldn't help it. He broke down laughing, much to the alien's dismay.

"What is so funny?" Zim demanded, "You dare laugh at the almighty, all powerful ZIM?" 

Dib kept laughing.

"Quit that," Zim growled.

"God, you idiot, just get in the car," Dib said, wiping tears from his eyes.

* * *

In fact Zim refused to get in the car until he had promptly bathed three times in his special paste formula, and then thoroughly checked Dib's brand new car (that his father had made specifically for him, with the most effective electric engine, seat coolers, and white leather seats) for traps.

Satisfied with the lack of findings of his search, he crawled into the passenger seat, pulling himself up with his PAK legs.

"Hey, you're gonna tear the leather with those!" Dib complained as he got into the drivers seat. Zim simply stuck his tongue out at the human as he clicked his seatbelt in and adjusted the seat height.

He started to regret committing to the hour long drive with the invader. It was certainly arduous, with Zim in a constant loop of changing the radio station, going on a tangent about how awful Earth music is, then proceeding to the next radio station. Then rinse and repeat. Eventually Dib got sick of it and just turned the radio off. Zim huffed in response, crossing his arms and falling back in his seat.

Then the giant sign advertising in big blue letters "WATERWORLD" came into view like an answered prayer. They found a single open parking spot, and Dib groaned at finding the place so packed.

The teenager at the ticket booth hardly looked at them as he took Dib's radio prize and handed him two paper wristbands.

"Here," Dib said as they entered the park. He gestured towards the irken's hand with the paper bracelet.

"What?" Zim look at him like he were dangling a piece of garbage in his face.

Let me put this on your wrist," Dib said.

"I won't fall for your traps, human!" Zim snapped, jumping back from the wristband like Dib had just revealed it to be a bomb. "You think you can trick me into letting you put that thing on me? What does this one do? Huh? Trap me in an energy field so you can reveal me to everyone here? Huh? _Huh!?_"

Dib blinked as he noticed the irken was nearly shaking as he backed away from the human. He'd always had issues being in public, and this place was filled to the brim with other human beings. His unique form of social anxiety always brought out his incessant paranoia.

Dib sighed and strapped his own wristband on. "See?" He said, holding up his arm, "Not a trap."

Zim glared untrustingly at the human with fake purple irises.

"Summer truce," Dib reminded, "If I had planned on breaking my promise, I would have done it closer to home and saved myself that awful drive here."

Zim seemed to rationalize that in his mind as he bared his teeth and outstretched his arm. Dib taped the bracelet on, and Zim watched it dangle from his wrist.

"I didn't take you here to kill you or expose you or torture you with water, okay?" Dib said in an attempt to calm the irken's nerves. He thought for sure it was a fruitless action, but Zim nodded sharply and seemed to collect himself.

"Of course, I knew that," Zim said, brushing off the whole situation like it were dust on his clothing, "I was simply testing to see if _you_ knew that."

They fell into step side by much-taller-side as they wandered deeper into the park. They skipped right past the overpriced gift shop and went right to the first animal enclosure.

Zim pulled himself up on the metal gate that surrounded the clear walls and peeked in curiously.

"What is that hideous creature?" He said, his face wrinkling where his nose would have been.

Dib laughed. "That's a walrus," he said. He read aloud the facts listed on a plaque beside the enclosure.

Zim cocked his head at the animal. "What's it doing here?" He asked.

Dib just shrugged. "Waterworld's full of animals like this."

Zim hopped off the fence and they continued down the walkway. "Why?" He asked, "Are they used for experimentation? Is this some sort of research facility? What are the militaristic advantages that could possibly come from a creature so ugly?"

"They're cool to see," Dib tried to explain, "You come here to learn about them. That's all. Well, I guess some people study them, but not in the way you're thinking. It's like... Animal conservation and all that."

"Why in the name of Miyuki would you want to _conserve_ animals?" Zim balked at the human.

"Well, to make sure they don't go extinct and stuff," Dib tried to explain, gesturing with his hands, "You don't have anything like that on Irk?"

Zim gave him a look like he'd just proclaimed the sky was falling. "Why would we want to _prevent_ our predators from going extinct?"

Dib frowned. "Well, to, uh, keep the ecosystem running and... Well, biology isn't really my expertise," he explained.

"You even keep the animals that want to eat you around?" Zim asked incredulously, "You _protect_ the beasts that hunt you?"

Dib sent the irken a lopsided smile. "Humans are at the top of the food-chain, Zim," Dib told him with a snort.

Zim gawked. "You... _Humans_ are at the _top_ of the food-chain?"

Dib nodded.

"_How?_"

"Well, for one we don't smell like candy, so that probably helps."

They passed by the sea lions next, which Zim also found to be horrendously ugly and refused to spend any more time looking at them. He rolled his eyes at the playful seals and wrinkled the space between his eyes at the otters.

"They're just like you," he told Dib as he pointed at one of the semiaquatic mammals. This particular one was preoccupied with grooming it's wet fur with its pink tongue, oblivious to the alien jabbing an accusatory finger in its direction.

"What? How?" Dib raised an eyebrow.

"Hairy and sweaty," Zim shuttered, "And they smell like filth."

"Most people find otters to be cute," Dib sneered.

"Which only proves my point that humans don't know anything."

They entered the aquarium next, where Zim watched the glowing jellyfish with awe and smirked at the giant octopus.

"That was very educational, future-slave," Zim said as they came out the other end of the aquarium building, "I especially enjoyed the lightning sharks."

Dib reeled. "You mean the electric eels?" He snorted.

Zim just waved his hand dismissively. "You have provided much information to aid me in my mission," he told him, "When the human race falls beneath my crushing army built up of all of these powerful water animals, I will think back and remember the great service you did. Then maybe I will let you live."

"Summer truce!" Dib yelled.

"Yes, I know," Zim nodded, "I will wait for the fall to begin my plan, don't you worry."

"I still think that's a breach," Dib complained, crossing his arms.

"Well, it's not because I am telling you about it now."

"I don't think that's how this works."

"I will _tell you how this works, fool boy!!_"


	9. Noticing Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zim learns about humans and just how different they really are.
> 
> Contains: Great Confusion™, sex-ed, and semi-detailed discussions of alien reproduction
> 
> Rated T for TZim explaining every single way that irkens use to procreate
> 
> Subtle Oddities by Lemon Demon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been sitting in my drafts for awhile now, and I haven't reread it since I wrote it so I sure hope its good.

Humans were... Really weird. This, of course, Zim knew. He knew the moment he landed on their awful planet, but this? This brought strange to a whole new level.

He thought for certain that 'health class' meant vigorous training, emotional and physical discipline, and a healthy and much needed lesson in identifying superiors. He did not expect detailed lessons in procreation, and he certainly did not expect to hear them labeling the different human breeds with _gender titles_.

Zim found it incredulous that these earthens based what was nothing but a vocal preference upon the human's capability to spawn offspring. It was primitive, barbaric, it was-

"Zim?" Dib asked, his desk diagonal to the alien's in this class.

Hearing his name spewed on human tongue (words were just so clumsy in the earthlings' language, it was a disgrace to his name) snapped Zim out of his thoughts, and he realized he had been scratching at the surface of his desk, so much so that there were visible claw marks etched into the wood. His hands ached.

"Are... You okay?" Dib asked with more confusion that concern.

"Humans are stupid," Zim said simply, as if that could communicate the rant boiling up in his frontal lobe.

Irk would not have been able to conquer quite so efficiently with a divided species like this. It was pathetic.

But in reality, Zim couldn't compare this barbaric structure to irken society. Among his species, there were multiple breeds of irken. These so-called breeds were classified millenniums ago when they had to resort to such primitive ways to repopulate the species. Now, the classifications (of which there were certainly more than two of, the humans were so pathetic that even without artificial reproduction, they only had one way to procreate) had weak structures in irken society, even though they were still present. However, these classifications were never anything besides that. They didn't dictate your place in society, they didn't change how you were treated or what you were coded for, and they certainly didn't decide what the irken was _called_. And most of the time, it was private information that you didn't display for everyone to know.

"Why do you call your reproduction vessels 'female' and 'male' parts?" Zim demanded, pacing Dib's bedroom after school. He'd been fuming all day over the situation. He didn't like the implications it gave to him specifically.

"Well, uh," Dib began, glancing up from his math homework. He was more than a little unsure of how to explain that. "Because that's what makes you female and male," he tried.

"No it doesn't," Zim spat, "That's stupid."

"That's just how it is," Dib shrugged, "Is it different on your planet or something?"

"Is it _different??_" Zim hissed. He snatched up an old wooden meter stick that leaned against the human's desk and went to snap it over his knee.

"Please don't break that," Dib sighed, fully expecting the alien to ignore his request. To his surprise, he put his leg down, but still held the ruler tightly in his grip.

"Is it _different_?" He repeated, starting to laugh. "Of course it's different! Your ways are absolutely barbaric!"

"Okay," Dib said, setting his homework to the side, "Tell me about how your way is better."

"There are five breeds of irkens," Zim began suddenly, wasting no time with preamble as he listed them off by name, which were all made up of a series of clicks, chirps, and hisses. They were purely irken words, Dib realized. They had no English translations.

"So? What does that have to do with gender?" Dib questioned, thoroughly confused.

The little irken groaned. "It has _nothing_ to do with gender you dim-witted fool. It has to do with reproduction. These breeds have been nothing but background labels ever since we began artificial reproduction, but for the sake of the lesson, I will treat them as if they apply currently."

"So," Dib began, already lost, "What are the differences then? Antennae or something?"

"Well, in a way, yes. Some _szutt_ have curlier antennae than other irkens, while _hizz-yx_ tend to have very straight antennae, without even that little bend at the end."

"Is that it? Hardly sounds like gender to me," Dib scoffed.

"It's not gender, you feeble minded mucus-brain!" Zim hissed, "They're _breeds_. And no, those are not the defining characteristics. Irken breeds are classified on their capabilities to fertilize, carry, and produce eggs.

"We'll start with one, _kis-hkzz_," Zim began, puffing his chest out as he clasped his hands behind his back. He paced, legs stiff in a sort of military march. "They can produce and carry an egg. They are able to receive fertilization, and then carry the egg until it can be lain."

"Wait, irkens lay eggs?" Dib perked up, curious and surprised.

"QUIET!" Zim hissed, whacking the meter-stick on Dib's desk. Dib flinched at the sound. "Two, _thup-fhtt_," Zim continued, "They can neither produce nor carry eggs. They are only capable of fertilization," he paused, eyeing the human up and down with disgust, "Like you, apparently."

Dib blushed in response.

"Three," Zim continued, "_Szutt_. They can fertilize or carry an egg, but they cannot produce eggs."

"Wait," Dib said, demurely raising a hand to avoid the irken's ruler attack, "They carry the egg, but they don't produce them? How does that even work?"

"The only way a _szutt_ can carry an egg is if a _hizz-yx_ lays a previously fertilized one in its smeet-sac," Zim explained without batting an eye.

Dib sputtered. "You guys lay eggs inside of each other??"

"_Use to_, human. Hundreds of years ago," Zim reminded, "And only _hizz-yx_ have an ovipositor."

Dib coughed, trying to regain his composure. He'd always wanted to learn more about Zim's species, but he'd never given _this_ much thought. Zim continued the lesson.

"Four!" He announced, "_Frr-up_. They can fertilize, produce, _and_ carry eggs. They can do it all."

"So like a hermaph-"

"DO NOT LABEL IT WITH YOUR FILTHY EARTH WORDS, HUMAN!" Zim screeched, whipping Dib on the arm with his meter stick.

"Ow!" Dib complained, rubbing his sleeve.

"Let me be clear," Zim said, "They cannot fertilize their own egg. That would just be weird."

"Right. _That's_ the thing that's weird," Dib murmured, earning himself another slap on the wrist.

"Five, _hizz-yx,_" Zim went on, reassuming his military posture, "They can produce eggs, but cannot carry them. As I stated previously, they are the only irkens equipped with an ovipositor."

"That's all of them?" Dib asked, eyes wide. He mulled over the new information in his head.

"I know what you're doing," Zim said, crossing his arms irritatedly.

"What? What am I doing?" Dib demanded.

"You're trying to figure out which ones are the girls and which ones are the boys," Zim stated with a glare.

Dib shrugged. "Yeah, I am," he admitted.

"Well stop that. It doesn't work like that."

"I'm sorry, that's just what I know," Dib raised his hands in surrender, "I guess I always thought aliens would be like humans in that matter. I never even considered it could work any other way."

"I accept your apology, cadet," Zim declared, "So long as it does not happen again."

"Wait, so which one are you?" Dib asked suddenly.

"None of your concern, earth-monkey," Zim snapped.

"Come on, Zim," Dib whined, "You got to learn what _I've_ got going on down there, it's only fair."

Zim's antennae twitched irritably. "Kis-hkzz," he hissed reluctantly, arms still crossed as he glared at a Bigfoot poster on Dib's wall.

Dib paused, trying to remember which one that was. Then his eyes went wide. "So," he began, "You produce the egg?"

"And carry," Zim corrected, "Don't confuse it. I am not a hizz-yx."

"You know on Earth, that would make you a female," Dib pointed out.

"This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you!"

"What?" Dib asked with a laugh.

"Don't do that," Zim demanded, voice more deep and serious than usual, "Don't try and make me human."

Dib stammered, not sure how to respond. He would have argued that he had done no such thing and would never do such a thing, but he was silenced by how sincerely upset the irken seemed over the situation. He had been so distraught over it all that he spewed more information during this lesson than all the information he had ever given Dib in the past combined.

"Class must have really gotten to you, huh?" Dib finally said. Zim just looked at him.

"You're right," Dib agreed with a sigh, "We probably shouldn't base people's identities on how they reproduce."

Zim just scoffed. "You obviously don't think that."

"It's just what I've known, Zim," Dib explained.

"And this is what _I've_ know," Zim pointed out, "I am not a girl."

"I'm sorry," Dib said with a frown, "I didn't mean- I didn't mean to imply that you were."

"But you did," Zim growled, "What's to keep other humans from doing the same?"

Dib shrugged. "It's not like anyone else will know," he said, "And since when do you care what other humans think anyway?"

Zim huffed and plopped down angrily on Dib's old swivel chair.

"I'm sorry," Dib tried again.

Zim glared at the wall.

Dib sighed. They may have been mortal enemies, but Dib couldn't stand it when Zim was legitimately angry with him."Want me to rub your antennae and sing your praise until you forgive me?" He offered.

Zim was silent for a moment, but eventually nodded and grumbled, "Yes."


End file.
